Letters
by Maiko2853
Summary: The anti-social bookworm Twilight Sparkle and her assistant Spike have been sent down to Ponyville to help with the Summer Sun Celebrations preparations. Being someone who doesn't trust Princess Celestia's judgment on the issue, Jeffery decides to tag along.


Okay, first things first people. I'll admit that my last attempt at posting an MLP:FIM fanfic didn't go so well. My biggest problem was that I didn't really know what type of story I was aiming for. Comedy? Drama? Tragedy? A simple slice of life story? I did eventually figure out what type of story I wanted to do and even how to go about writing it. The problem is that I have completely lost interest in "Stranger in a Strange Land." I **_might_** gave it another try some day, but not now.

So after some serious consideration, I've decided to go back to my roots. I'm here to write a somewhat cynical comedy. All I hope is that people genuinely enjoy it, whether you find it knee slappingly funny or just amusing to read. That's all I have to say, now on with the story.

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Chapter 1: Mare in the Moon

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell.

Okay, look, I know things between you and Twilight have been a little weird ever since the Volleyball Uniform Incident. But that's no reason to just throw off her evidence, which might I remind you, says that a being capable of bringing _eternal night_ is to be making their return this _very_ evening. Seriously, I haven't seen stupidity on this level since Lyra decided it was a good idea to make those horrid volleyball uniforms. But that's beside the point.

So instead of taking something that is a risk to your **entire countries**_** national security**_ seriously, you decide to bash your personal student by telling her to stop spending so much time reading books, then you send her off to deal with the Summer Sun Celebrations preparations in Ponyville and finally, you tell her to make some friends. Well excuuuuuse me, _**princess**_, but aren't _**you**_ the one who gave Twilight free reign over the palaces library tower, aren't _**you **_the one who told Twilight to study hard, aren't _**you**_ Twilight's _**personal tutor **_who spends _**every goddamn day**_ _**with her**_?

Bah! Just like every other teacher in the world, when you screw up, you blame the student.

And really, does Twilight even need to make friends. She already has her older brother, Shining Armor, her old foal sitter, Cadance, her adopted younger brother, Spike, Lyra Heartstrings, that pegasus Surprise… I mean former friend, we _**really**_ don't need to bring up that messy incident again. Oh yeah, she's also friends with Hoity Toity and Donut Joe. Although, I believe their more of Spike's friends than Twilight's. Then there's me, the big hairless ape, one Jeffery Nickolas Barker.

… … …

Okay, maybe Twilight does need to socialize a little bit more. My point is that you can't just pin all the blame on her. She's still young and very impressionable, not to mention I've very rarely seen you actually try to connect with Twilight outside of her studies. And please don't lie to me about this, I've been stuck in Equestria for the past eight months now and I spent a good portion of it living with your student. I've personally witnessed just how hard it is for you two to interact with each other outside of a strictly professional environment.

So anyway, Twilight, Spike and I arrived at Ponyville without incident, thankfully. We could've just gone straight to the library to find out more information about Nightmare Moon's return. But no, Twilight **insisted** that we handle the preparations first. Hear that Celestia, even with the _**entire**_ world in face of imminent danger, your student is _**still**_ more terrified of upsetting you. I know that you are a kind and gentle leader, Princess Celestia. But benevolence and stupidity are two completely different things. If you knew this, then maybe Twilight wouldn't think that you're a troll who likes to banish people just for making bad sports uniforms.

Apparently Spike didn't believe any of this Nightmare Moon business and insisted that Twilight try to befriend the locals. She tried to introduce herself to some random pink pony, but she just jumped into the air, gasped and sped off. I could only assume that the poor thing was on drugs. So after our failed social attempt, we went down to Sweet Apple Acres to check the food preparations.

It was a horrifying experience.

We met some earth pony named Applejack, one of the owners of the estate. After that, she insisted that we stay to sample the food. We tried to refuse, but she wouldn't have any of that, oh no. That crazy bitch called over her massive number of family members to kidnap us. To top it all off, they convinced us to willingly eat the food in the most _**evil**_ way possible. By having her younger sister ask us if we were going to stay for brunch, while giving us the _**puppy dog eyes**_ treatment.

I swear, Twilight and I had diabetes by the time we left, and not just from the food. Also, I noticed that there were several apple family members who looked exactly alike. Well at least it confirms my suspicions that the apple families are the rednecks of this world. That or there's an entire species of shapeshifting bug ponies running around Equestria. Both ideas sound very plausible to me right now.

We found ourselves looking for a pegasus named Rainbow Dash. That pony was **supposed** to be keeping the sky clear of clouds… we all just assumed that he was really lazy. That was when this rainbow colored blur came out of nowhere and crashed into Twilight, sending her tumbling into a mud puddle. Old "Love & Tolerance" was in my hands in seconds, and that cricket bat was ready to lay the smack down on whoever was attacking Ms. Sparkle.

But it was just some random pegasus stallion with a rain…bow colored… mane? …Anywaaaayy, I ended up letting Mr. Homo off the hook as he seemed pretty apologetic. He even went so far as too clean the mud off Twilight. And I think Twilight Sparkle will have to change her name to "Disco" Sparkle.

Because that mane dew looks **ABSOLUTELY **_**RIDICULOIUS**_! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, you should've seen it Celestia! I was so wishing I had a camera at that moment! So after we got done being total dicks to Twilight, we managed to figure out the stallion was Rainbow Dash and then we had to inquire why there was still clouds in the sky.

It turns out that he was busy training to join The Wonderbolts. Twilight was immediately skeptical of this. I don't blame her either, considering The Wonderbolts _**are**_ the most prestigious and advanced team of flyers in all of Equestria. Rainbow Dash annihilated any doubts to his flying skills when he cleared the sky of clouds in ten. Seconds. Flat. He then said he'd see us later and sped off.

I commented on what a nice guy he was, only to be told that Rainbow Dash was a mare.

… … …

So let me see, rainbow colored mane, tomboyish, extremely athletic and is overly nice towards some random girl she just met. You know what, I was wrong, Rainbow Dash is not Mr. Homo. …She's a _**raging**_ dyke who just mud wrestled with Twilight, got her all wet, blew her off and then bragged about how little time it took her to do it to anyone who'd listen. All while conveniently keeping it G Rated.

Next, we had to check up on the décor. When we got there, it was quite the wonderful sight. Beautiful, elegant, fashionable, possessing a style and creativity I haven't seen in a long time. Yes, Ms. Rarity was quite the lovely sight… oh yeah and the décor was very pretty. Once again, Spike was showing signs of going through puberty. I could tell that he wanted to give Ms. Rarity a standing ovation, followed by placing something rock hard against her rear end and I ain't talking about his gem collection either. I think it's time I showed Spike the glorious wonders of having hands.

But anyway, even she thought Disco Sparkle was a terrible mane style and took her back to her place to play dress up. I could not believe the number of outfits that Ms. Rarity had on hand. It was just astounding to me that a town of nudists needed a clothes designer. How does she even stay in business anyway? Those questions aside, things got interesting when Twilight brought up that she was from Canterlot. Ms. Rarity had a sudden change in demeanor and started getting _**really**_ friendly with Twilight. Maybe a little _**too**_ much. Twilight, being the anti-social bookworm that she is, had a massive freak out over this and ran off as soon as Rarity left the room.

So now we were onto checking the music. Some really shy pegasus was in charge of coordinating the singing birds. Singing birds? Really, Princess Celestia? You're the undisputed ruler of _**ALL**_ of Equestria. A country that expands this _**ENTIRE**_ continent. And your introductory fanfare is **birds**. Why not get Ms. Octavia or that D.J., Vinyl Scratch? Hell, Vinyl even lives right here in Ponyville just down the road. I could go and grab her right now.

We weren't getting anywhere with that pegasus. So we decided to leave… right when she spotted Spike. Needless to say, I pity Twilight right now. That pegasus bitch slapped her out of the way so hard that her grand kids will be feeling it. Turns out her name was Fluttershy and no, the unintentional hilarity of that name is not lost on me.

She may not have been willing to talk to Twilight and I, but she _**really**_ wanted to talk with Spike. She wanted to know **everything **Celestia… and I do mean **EVERY**_**THING**_. It was evening by the time we got to the library. Perfect timing too, seeing that Spike had just gotten done telling Fluttershy his whole life story. She tried to squeeze some more alone time with him. But Twilight wasn't having any of it. She finally grew a pair and told Fluttershy to fuck off. She also briefly turned into a giraffe for some reason.

Ah yes, it was peace at last. Unfortunately, Twilight decided to tempt fate by saying the magic words. Next thing we knew, the lights turned on, ponies were yelling out **SURPRISE**, I screamed like a little girl and instinctively smacked some blond pegasus in the face with Love & Tolerance. At first I thought I'd injured her when I saw her go all google eyes. But then I realized it was our mail carrier, Derpy Hooves. You know, the grey one with the bubble cutie mark who hangs out with the Canterlot elite in her paper bag wizard costume.

Twilight was obviously pissed and that pink pony from earlier, named Pinkie Pie of all things, who'd set the whole thing up, wasn't making things any better. She reminded me of our chatterbox Surprise… Twilight headed over to the bar table with the obvious intention of getting drunk. Well if tonight was the last day to live, at least she was going to die blissfully unaware of what Nightmare Moon was doing.

It's just too bad that Twilight grabbed a bottle of hot sauce by mistake. Pinkie Pie was oblivious to all of this and went off on some tangent about how she now had lots and lots of friends. Twilight was sent running from the room in tears. I'm still not sure if it's because of the hot sauce or the drug addicts comment. Either way, she mistook them for tears of joy and now thinks Twilight is her newest friend.

Which reminds me, why are Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy all here? Don't they all have jobs that there supposed to be attending to? More importantly, who the fuck let Fluttershy back in the house?! Didn't they see that we kicked her out for a reason?! Oh good lord, these ponies are giving me such a headache.

Now if you'll excuse me Princess Celestia, I have to go down to the police station to see if I can get Pinkie and her party guests arrested for breaking and entering.

Sincerely, Your Pissed Off Human Subject,

Jeffery Nickolas Barker

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So what's your opinion, folks? Love it? Hate it? Somewhere in between? Please leave a review and tell me what you think.


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